( Clementine breathes out, and the sound of her own voice is not what she wants it to be for a moment (it's too hoarse, too vulnerable, too emotional). She can't pull punches. She can't. She closes her eyes, breathing in and then breathing out, breathing in and breathing out like before when it felt like her own panic might be too much.
She needs her steel. She needs to shove those emotions into a box and lock them away where they can't get out.
Needs to turn to steel so she can do what she has to do so she can convince him. So she can save him. Her jaw locks, and she lifts her head up again.
She will not be responsible for anyone else she loves dying because she was not enough. )
[He'd been expecting some sort of battle tactic they could use- hell, maybe even some idea of getting her somewhere safe where she could snipe the fuckers to kingdom come. He hadn't been expecting this, and it's enough to give him pause. He stares at the communicator, suddenly very aware why she's put this on audio and not a video. ]
No?
[The concept is unfathomable. He wouldn't have considered doing it, not for a goddamn second and for a very good reason.]
Clem, I'm not fucking abandoning you. No sir, not gonna happen. The last time I did that, you nearly fucking died.
[And he had to watch her, drifting in and out of consciousness, never sure if she'd come around and stay awake. If he'd just not climbed that fence. If he'd found a way back round to them faster. Maybe none of this would have happened. ]
( Clementine gathers that steel further, pressing her shoulders back against the cold wall. She shakes her head, locking her jaw. Her hands become fists. She's good at this part is the thing. The vulnerable and quiet sides? No, they're not easy to do. It's not easy to admit everything she is feeling. It is not easy to talk about the many people that she lost.
It is not easy to say that sometimes she feels completely fucking worthless anyway, because of the blood on her hands
And she is sure as fuck not worth his life. So instead she gathers her steel, and she is hard. )
It's not abandoning me if I tell you to do it, if I want you to do it.
I don't want you to find me. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to keep yourself safe, Louis, and you can't do that if you're taking care of me.
( Her voice is getting louder, harsher, clutching the network device harder as well, so hard it'd break if she had more strength. )
[Louis doesn't lend himself to anger very often. Unless someone he cares about is being threatened, he's usually the one in their group to depend upon keeping his head. He's a born mediator, he doesn't like conflict.
But the shock of what she's saying to him is sinking in and the emotion that comes bubbling out under all the confusion and hurt is anger. Mostly at the situation- that the fact she feels she needs to say this at all. But he'd be lying if some weren't directed at her too. Clem's always been brave, but this is the first time he'd call her reckless. ]
I don't fucking care. I call it abandoning and I'm not doing that again. I'm just- not.
[She's their leader, and he'd willingly follow her orders into hell itself if she asked him to. But not now. Not with this. ]
You don't get to make this decision for me, Clementine. I don't want to leave you, I'm not going to leave you. That's just bullshit and you know it.
She is not actually a good person. A good person couldn't survive the shit that she has, couldn't do the shit she can do. She's perfectly capable of hurting someone if she thinks it might save their life.
Even someone she loves, and she loves him. She loves him, and she's so glad he kept running when he jumped and that he ran home. She's so glad he didn't put himself more at risk and jump back to get them, because what happens then is more people died.
it was a goddamn miracle AJ got her out of there alive himself, and she doesn't much believe in miracles so she's not betting on another. Sure as hell is not betting his life on it.
And she doesn't think she can go through- She breathes out again, stares at her hand. )
I'm not going to let you die because of me. And you will. You'll take chances because of me. Chances you don't have to take if I'm not around.
[He's already getting up, moving about the room- she can probably hear the rustling. It's a big mansion, there are literally endless rooms- but if he needs to search every single fucking one for her, he absolutely will.]
I don't give a single frosty shit if I take chances. That's how it's supposed to work, Clem. I'll take all the chances and I don't care. You can't just- just fuck off and expect me to be okay with that. 'Oh hey, my girlfriend's decided she's going to risk her life so I don't have to risk mine, cool beans'. It doesn't work like that.
[He can't let it work like that. Not at all. Because he loves her, too- and almost losing her had left its mark, a deep, horrible splinter in his heart that he knows he's never going to get rid of. They were lucky once. He's not counting they'd be lucky again, either.]
I'm coming to find you. You don't get to just fucking check out on me like this. It's not fair.
( Clementine hears him moving, and her heart jumps up in her throat. It's panic. She recognizes that feeling. She's convinced that she will be his downfall, that she will watch him die, that-
She remembers trying to save Sarah. She remembers watching Carver toss a man without an arm off a roof. She remembers Omid being shot, Lee before she pulled the trigger, Luke pushing her away in time as he-- He's looking for her. He's going to spend the whole fucking Event- And it's going to kill him. She is This fucking half a leg is going to kill him,
no matter how much she wants him to stay alive. )
Louis.
Louis, don't.
( The words come out of her harder, faster, less steel-like. She closes her eyes, refocusing herself, pushing herself up against the wall. )
I'm not risking my life. I am doing what people do when they can't fight and can't run. I am hiding and fortifying, but you can run.
[The great irony is that before he met her, he would have relented at just such a request from a loved one by now. Sure, he would have made a token appeal to them, convince them to see sense- but ultimately he would back down, stick his head in the sand, leave them to it.
But she made him a better person. She taught him how to step up. To not roll over and let things happen. To not kick things down the road. Unfortunately for her, that's come back to bite her in the ass. He stops moving, but he sure doesn't stop trying.]
Okay, fine- hide and fortify. But let me be there with you. I mean...shit, we don't know what's coming. I want to be there to help you when it all goes to hell in a handbasket. I need to be there.
( Clementine definitely wouldn't credit herself for making him a better person. She knew he had it in him all along. It's why she told him she thought he was more than that, because she could see- she could tell.
And even though she really, really fucking needs him to take care of himself, to survive, to be okay, she can't help but be proud of him too. That he has changed, that he has grown, that he is not backing down anymore. )
If things go to hell and we have to run or fight or move at all, you'd just die with me or die instead of me, getting me out. You know that. I'm a liability.
How-
( How is she supposed to be okay with- with being the reason that happens to him?
It's happened too many times. She can't let it happen to him. Not when this is a front row seat to what is bound to happen in their own world. )
[He'd credit her with it- completely and unhesitatingly. He would never have changed without her. Never had the need to. He would have stayed aimless and idle- Marlon sure as hell wouldn't have encouraged him to be any other way. ]
You're not a liability.
[There's a sharpness to his tone, one fed by fear. He knows damn well that this is something they'll face back home one day. That something will happen and they'll need to run, and Clem won't be able to. But he's never seen her as less- even in knowing that. The sharpness vanishes as soon as it arrived, and when he speaks again he's quieter.]
Not to me. Never to me. And I'm aware of the likelihood of that happening and I can't quantify how much I don't care. I'm not leaving you again.
( Clementine's eyes abruptly fill with tears so hard that she can't see. So much for keeping it in a box. He makes it nearly impossible for her to do so, to keep her steel, because he brings out the softer parts of her that she thought had died a long time ago (the softer parts that aren't just for AJ, aren't just to be the parent that he needed at the time). She wants to scream. She wants to throw something, but she's wound so tightly in on herself that she can't. doesn't. do anything.
She doesn't know what it is about her. She has no idea why it is. AJ was six years old, and he wanted to die beside her because he didn't want to leave her. And now Louis- Louis doesn't want to leave her either even if it means he dies too.
And he's good, and he makes her happy, and she loves him, and he means the world to her and then some, and she just wants to keep one thing- one person without letting her bloody hands fuck it up more (She's already hurt him with Marlon, and- )
She's going to die because of you. You think just because you're a little girl that you can get people killed, and no one will care. That because you're sorry, it'll all magically go away?
I bet a lot of people died to get you here.
All you've done is get us hurt or killed.
None of them were wrong, and that was back when she could fight and decide and do.
Her hand is shaking, and her face is wet. She presses a hand to her cheeks to wipe away the tears, cursing herself for it. When she was dying, it was the last time she'd cried in a long while, and even then, she had to hold it together for AJ- AJ who wanted to stay with her even knowing what it meant. She sure as fuck can't afford to cry now when she has work to do.
And now there's Louis who wants to stay with her even knowing- even knowing it'll probably get him killed. Maybe that is what makes her cry. She was alone for so fucking long, and now people would prefer to die than leave her like that, but she just wants him to be alive. to be okay. to not get hurt because of her.
It takes her a long time to realize she hasn't said anything. She tries desperately to compose herself before she speaks, but she fails. )
[She's quiet for a long time and that worries him. He doesn't know if she just...stopped responding- was getting ready to start tearing through the mansion to find her. He only vaguely knows how much she's lost- bits and pieces of a long and sorry tale. He knows enough to know it's been a lot, and he's aware adding himself to that tally probably isn't fair.
But he also remembers AJ bringing her back to the school. He remembers Ruby patching her up and that face she made when she knew shit was bad and the chances of pulling through were slim. He remembers spending sleepless days watching her, jumping at any movment she made- listening for her taking a breath instead of that horrible death-rattle that meant it was too late for anyone anymore.
Those memories are still sharp in his mind- he can't deal with that again. It's only that she got better that he dealt with them back home. Those few days taught him a horrible lesson: that he's completely lost without her.
He can hear the sadness in her voice, feels a pang of guilt that he's done this to her, but knows the alternative is so much worse. He's not strong enough to let it go the other way. Not strong enough at all. ]
I will. When I find you.
[Like a dog with a bone. He and Clem don't have a lot of things in common, but bloody-minded stubbornness sure is one of them.]
Fuck. If something happens to you, Louis, I swear--
( The mutter leaves her harsher than she means it to. Tears still prick her eyes, and she turns off the device, shoving it into the bag.
Clementine closes her eyes tightly. Her jaw locks, and she tries to breathe out through this feeling like a fire in her chest. She's terrified. That's the truth. She is so damn scared for him.
This is one of those moments.
She's had more of them than she can count.
One of those moments where she makes a choice, and the choice results in someone else living or dying (and didn't she already have that moment earlier? isn't that why she packed her bag?). She can tell him where she is, or she can hunker down, because he'll still probably fair better without her. Even if he won't be paying as much attention because he is trying to find her.
She wants to scream again but doesn't, rubs furiously at her face, and then forces herself to stand by pushing up against the wall behind her. To keep going (to keep moving forward). To- to make this room a place as protected as she can.
I can't guarantee it won't regardless of where I am. None of us can ever guarantee that Clem, you know that.
[Not here, not back home. They have to live for the day and try not to leave a life of regret behind them when they go. Take risks. Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. Any of them could die at any time.
He can't promise her that he'll be safe because he doesn't know what's going to happen. He won't make that promise if he knows he can't keep it. She goes quiet again and that worries him. ]
( Clementine turned off her network device, because she felt like he'd be able to convince her if she listened much longer. It's the kind of effect that goes against everything that her instincts are telling her, screaming at her. And the conflict settles uncomfortably within her rib cage.
So the Event happens. She is found like she thought she might be, but she survives, barely. Thanks to her traps, thanks to some quick thinking at the last second and a shotgun to one of the thing's faces. Her ears are still ringing. There's a wide cut on her arm.
She is patching it up when she finally listens to the message that he sent her, and then she tries to call him back, tries to contact him back, but he's not answering (he can't answer).
He can't answer. She tells herself it is because he is busy. It is because he is saving himself instead of worrying about her. He is okay. There are just a lot of these fucking aliens everywhere, and he has to be in the middle of fighting them )
Louis- ( She can hear the shakiness in her own voice, the strained nature of it despite her attempts to speak more calmly. She hates it. ) I hope you're not coming to find me, and you're just keeping yourself alive now. Staying somewhere safe, being aware of your surroundings, keeping your guard up.
You can be angry at me later or angry at me now. You can hate me later for what I did. Just-
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teamfun
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[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 10:35 pm (UTC)( Clementine breathes out, and the sound of her own voice is not what she wants it to be for a moment (it's too hoarse, too vulnerable, too emotional). She can't pull punches. She can't. She closes her eyes, breathing in and then breathing out, breathing in and breathing out like before when it felt like her own panic might be too much.
She needs her steel. She needs to shove those emotions into a box and lock them away where they can't get out.
Needs to turn to steel so she can do what she has to do so she can convince him. So she can save him. Her jaw locks, and she lifts her head up again.
She will not be responsible for anyone else she loves dying because she was not enough. )
I already figured it out, Louis. I can't run.
You can.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 10:42 pm (UTC)[He'd been expecting some sort of battle tactic they could use- hell, maybe even some idea of getting her somewhere safe where she could snipe the fuckers to kingdom come. He hadn't been expecting this, and it's enough to give him pause. He stares at the communicator, suddenly very aware why she's put this on audio and not a video. ]
No?
[The concept is unfathomable. He wouldn't have considered doing it, not for a goddamn second and for a very good reason.]
Clem, I'm not fucking abandoning you. No sir, not gonna happen. The last time I did that, you nearly fucking died.
[And he had to watch her, drifting in and out of consciousness, never sure if she'd come around and stay awake. If he'd just not climbed that fence. If he'd found a way back round to them faster. Maybe none of this would have happened. ]
I won't- where the hell are you?
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 10:49 pm (UTC)It is not easy to say that sometimes she feels completely fucking worthless anyway, because of the blood on her hands
And she is sure as fuck not worth his life. So instead she gathers her steel, and she is hard. )
It's not abandoning me if I tell you to do it, if I want you to do it.
I don't want you to find me. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to keep yourself safe, Louis, and you can't do that if you're taking care of me.
( Her voice is getting louder, harsher, clutching the network device harder as well, so hard it'd break if she had more strength. )
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 10:59 pm (UTC)But the shock of what she's saying to him is sinking in and the emotion that comes bubbling out under all the confusion and hurt is anger. Mostly at the situation- that the fact she feels she needs to say this at all. But he'd be lying if some weren't directed at her too. Clem's always been brave, but this is the first time he'd call her reckless. ]
I don't fucking care. I call it abandoning and I'm not doing that again. I'm just- not.
[She's their leader, and he'd willingly follow her orders into hell itself if she asked him to. But not now. Not with this. ]
You don't get to make this decision for me, Clementine. I don't want to leave you, I'm not going to leave you. That's just bullshit and you know it.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 11:11 pm (UTC)( can't be the reason he dies. she can't be.
She is not actually a good person. A good person couldn't survive the shit that she has, couldn't do the shit she can do. She's perfectly capable of hurting someone if she thinks it might save their life.
Even someone she loves, and she loves him. She loves him, and she's so glad he kept running when he jumped and that he ran home. She's so glad he didn't put himself more at risk and jump back to get them, because what happens then is more people died.
it was a goddamn miracle AJ got her out of there alive himself, and she doesn't much believe in miracles so she's not betting on another. Sure as hell is not betting his life on it.
And she doesn't think she can go through- She breathes out again, stares at her hand. )
I'm not going to let you die because of me. And you will. You'll take chances because of me. Chances you don't have to take if I'm not around.
So I won't be.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 11:25 pm (UTC)I don't give a single frosty shit if I take chances. That's how it's supposed to work, Clem. I'll take all the chances and I don't care. You can't just- just fuck off and expect me to be okay with that. 'Oh hey, my girlfriend's decided she's going to risk her life so I don't have to risk mine, cool beans'. It doesn't work like that.
[He can't let it work like that. Not at all. Because he loves her, too- and almost losing her had left its mark, a deep, horrible splinter in his heart that he knows he's never going to get rid of. They were lucky once. He's not counting they'd be lucky again, either.]
I'm coming to find you. You don't get to just fucking check out on me like this. It's not fair.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-07 11:40 pm (UTC)She remembers trying to save Sarah. She remembers watching Carver toss a man without an arm off a roof. She remembers Omid being shot, Lee before she pulled the trigger, Luke pushing her away in time as he-- He's looking for her. He's going to spend the whole fucking Event- And it's going to kill him. She is This fucking half a leg is going to kill him,
no matter how much she wants him to stay alive. )
Louis.
Louis, don't.
( The words come out of her harder, faster, less steel-like. She closes her eyes, refocusing herself, pushing herself up against the wall. )
I'm not risking my life. I am doing what people do when they can't fight and can't run. I am hiding and fortifying, but you can run.
So run. Stay alive.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-08 07:20 pm (UTC)[The great irony is that before he met her, he would have relented at just such a request from a loved one by now. Sure, he would have made a token appeal to them, convince them to see sense- but ultimately he would back down, stick his head in the sand, leave them to it.
But she made him a better person. She taught him how to step up. To not roll over and let things happen. To not kick things down the road. Unfortunately for her, that's come back to bite her in the ass. He stops moving, but he sure doesn't stop trying.]
Okay, fine- hide and fortify. But let me be there with you. I mean...shit, we don't know what's coming. I want to be there to help you when it all goes to hell in a handbasket. I need to be there.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-08 10:17 pm (UTC)And even though she really, really fucking needs him to take care of himself, to survive, to be okay, she can't help but be proud of him too. That he has changed, that he has grown, that he is not backing down anymore. )
If things go to hell and we have to run or fight or move at all, you'd just die with me or die instead of me, getting me out. You know that. I'm a liability.
How-
( How is she supposed to be okay with- with being the reason that happens to him?
It's happened too many times. She can't let it happen to him. Not when this is a front row seat to what is bound to happen in their own world. )
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-08 10:40 pm (UTC)You're not a liability.
[There's a sharpness to his tone, one fed by fear. He knows damn well that this is something they'll face back home one day. That something will happen and they'll need to run, and Clem won't be able to. But he's never seen her as less- even in knowing that. The sharpness vanishes as soon as it arrived, and when he speaks again he's quieter.]
Not to me. Never to me. And I'm aware of the likelihood of that happening and I can't quantify how much I don't care. I'm not leaving you again.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-08 11:27 pm (UTC)She doesn't know what it is about her. She has no idea why it is. AJ was six years old, and he wanted to die beside her because he didn't want to leave her. And now Louis- Louis doesn't want to leave her either even if it means he dies too.
And he's good, and he makes her happy, and she loves him, and he means the world to her and then some, and she just wants to keep one thing- one person without letting her bloody hands fuck it up more (She's already hurt him with Marlon, and- )
She's going to die because of you. You think just because you're a little girl that you can get people killed, and no one will care. That because you're sorry, it'll all magically go away?
I bet a lot of people died to get you here.
All you've done is get us hurt or killed.
None of them were wrong, and that was back when she could fight and decide and do.
Her hand is shaking, and her face is wet. She presses a hand to her cheeks to wipe away the tears, cursing herself for it. When she was dying, it was the last time she'd cried in a long while, and even then, she had to hold it together for AJ- AJ who wanted to stay with her even knowing what it meant. She sure as fuck can't afford to cry now when she has work to do.
And now there's Louis who wants to stay with her even knowing- even knowing it'll probably get him killed. Maybe that is what makes her cry. She was alone for so fucking long, and now people would prefer to die than leave her like that, but she just wants him to be alive. to be okay. to not get hurt because of her.
It takes her a long time to realize she hasn't said anything. She tries desperately to compose herself before she speaks, but she fails. )
Please, be careful, Louis. Keep you guard up.
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-08 11:48 pm (UTC)But he also remembers AJ bringing her back to the school. He remembers Ruby patching her up and that face she made when she knew shit was bad and the chances of pulling through were slim. He remembers spending sleepless days watching her, jumping at any movment she made- listening for her taking a breath instead of that horrible death-rattle that meant it was too late for anyone anymore.
Those memories are still sharp in his mind- he can't deal with that again. It's only that she got better that he dealt with them back home. Those few days taught him a horrible lesson: that he's completely lost without her.
He can hear the sadness in her voice, feels a pang of guilt that he's done this to her, but knows the alternative is so much worse. He's not strong enough to let it go the other way. Not strong enough at all. ]
I will. When I find you.
[Like a dog with a bone. He and Clem don't have a lot of things in common, but bloody-minded stubbornness sure is one of them.]
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-09 05:17 am (UTC)( The mutter leaves her harsher than she means it to. Tears still prick her eyes, and she turns off the device, shoving it into the bag.
Clementine closes her eyes tightly. Her jaw locks, and she tries to breathe out through this feeling like a fire in her chest. She's terrified. That's the truth. She is so damn scared for him.
This is one of those moments.
She's had more of them than she can count.
One of those moments where she makes a choice, and the choice results in someone else living or dying (and didn't she already have that moment earlier? isn't that why she packed her bag?). She can tell him where she is, or she can hunker down, because he'll still probably fair better without her. Even if he won't be paying as much attention because he is trying to find her.
She wants to scream again but doesn't, rubs furiously at her face, and then forces herself to stand by pushing up against the wall behind her. To keep going (to keep moving forward). To- to make this room a place as protected as she can.
Her steel returns. )
[audio]
Date: 2019-05-09 08:51 pm (UTC)[Not here, not back home. They have to live for the day and try not to leave a life of regret behind them when they go. Take risks. Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. Any of them could die at any time.
He can't promise her that he'll be safe because he doesn't know what's going to happen. He won't make that promise if he knows he can't keep it. She goes quiet again and that worries him. ]
You know I'm going to come and find you.
[audio] (later into the event)
Date: 2019-05-11 04:58 pm (UTC)So the Event happens. She is found like she thought she might be, but she survives, barely. Thanks to her traps, thanks to some quick thinking at the last second and a shotgun to one of the thing's faces. Her ears are still ringing. There's a wide cut on her arm.
She is patching it up when she finally listens to the message that he sent her, and then she tries to call him back, tries to contact him back, but he's not answering (he can't answer).
He can't answer. She tells herself it is because he is busy. It is because he is saving himself instead of worrying about her. He is okay. There are just a lot of these fucking aliens everywhere, and he has to be in the middle of fighting them )
Louis- ( She can hear the shakiness in her own voice, the strained nature of it despite her attempts to speak more calmly. She hates it. ) I hope you're not coming to find me, and you're just keeping yourself alive now. Staying somewhere safe, being aware of your surroundings, keeping your guard up.
You can be angry at me later or angry at me now. You can hate me later for what I did. Just-
( Her voice grows smaller. )
Just be okay.
( but he never answers. )